Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?

Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!

Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…

Me: OMFG.

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