Night Ventures

I had a terrible accident yesterday. But I’m okay now so you can all stop crying. I do, however, feel as it is my duty as a denizen of this Earth to inform you, the public, of the terrible and stressful situation I got myself into. Seriously, I completely panicked. I might have even shouted out a couple of embarrassing things like I’m not quite sure if I’ve killed a man. Although when I left him he seemed to at least be partially breathing.

Seriously though; if you ever find yourself in a situation containing two or more of these circumstances I strongly suggest you extradite yourself from the equation:

  • Wearing soft socks
  • Standing on a slippery floor
  • Discovering it’s midnight
  • Being only 20% conscious
  • Standing with unequal weight
  • Happen to be in a bathroom
  • Could have a full bladder
  • Don’t realise you’re beginning to slide

If you happen to be in this situation already and are for some reason checking your feeds and discovering this post, I have taken the liberty to compile this guide listing the correct operating procedures for you to follow to get yourself out of this situation:

Successfully do the Splitz and aim on high:

  • This is probably impossible for most people

Clench hard:

  • You can kind of make up the rest from here
  • Also know to cause Cancer

Roll over:

  • I’m not quite sure if this works but I once saw my dog do it. So it’s bound to work because it’s common knowledge dogs are the super-genii behind the invention of orange juice. They also do eat their own poop.

In other unrelated news I recently discovered that my toothpaste art collection is frowned upon by several foreign cultures.

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