A Series Of Pointless Circles

I have a surprise for you.

It’s quite fantastic.

I’ve been meaning to show you.

It’s been waiting for ages…

Eons really.

Actually, I like Ages better…

Y’know what? Eons…

Okay, Ages.

So it’s been waiting for ages…

It’s a grand surprise.

One of those: “OMG Imma be done killin’ dat them seagulls!” types of surprises.

Or maybe more of a: “OMG Josh is amazing! He’s like so handsome and sexy and smart! Oh and BTW that surprise was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” type of surprise.

I think it’s gonna be like that.

Probably.

It probably is.

Just like how your sister probably wasn’t pregnant before she went to meet that backalley doctor.

Just like that.

So anyway, you know this is going to be amazing.

I can hear that buzzing in your ears from here.

That heart-stopping pulse of adrenaline…

That maddening flux of unparalleled excitement rushing through your veins with the fury and intensity of a thousand dying suns…

It’s that great.

And more.

Like, like, like, Bacon more.

And then some.

So it’s amazing.

So amazing, in fact, that I’ve been told by the diplomatic leaders of several prominent countries that it has desecrated their entire population of Triangle People.

While this is traumatic for some, others must be warned to prepare yourselves for the utter awesomeness that lies ahead.

(To be properly safe and legally correct, take a quick second to check out this safety guide and user manual for the forthcoming awesomeness: )

The Official Safety Guide And Instruction Set For Handling Of Mindholeblowing Products
Rated R

  • Please insure you are wearing the correct safety gear. This includes, but is not limited to, safety gloves, protective helmets, correct eyewear, earmuffs, blue socks and seagull protecting lithiospheres.
  • Please ensure that all bodily extremities are tucked in and and away from the edge.
  • Please make sure that you strap yourselves in as the awesomeness level is currently unprecedented and is known to raise the risk of having a stroke by 43%.
  • To prevent any bodily harm, please remove the blue socks you were previously told to put on. These were ridiculous and in no way improve safety and security when viewing the awesomeness.

It needs to be said, before any legal matters arise, that you view the following at your own risk and neither insertmyfeed nor I are, in any form or way, responsible for the outcome of your viewing experience.

So stand back.

And get ready.

Coz here it comes.

Comes and comes and comes with all the amazingness and all the epicness and all the wholeheartedmindholeblowingness that you’ve been expecting!

So watch out world!

Shield your eyes!

Coz!

Here!

It!

Is!  :

21 Reasons I Hate Seagulls

  1. They’re seagulls
  2. They’re seagulls
  3. They’re seagulls
  4. They’re seagulls
  5. They’re seagulls
  6. They’re seagulls
  7. They’re seagulls
  8. They’re seagulls
  9. They’re seagulls
  10. They’re seagulls
  11. They’re seagulls
  12. They’re seagulls
  13. They’re seagulls
  14. They’re seagulls
  15. They’re seagulls
  16. They’re seagulls
  17. They’re seagulls
  18. They’re seagulls
  19. They’re seagulls
  20. They’re seagulls
  21. They’re seagulls

Flying Bastard Rat Artwork by Chocogingerfingers

Brand New Day #2: Thoroughly More Interesting

It’s another brand new day in Cape Town and things are going dandy. Until the dinosaurs come back riding bicycles and hobos patrol the streets. And that’s all before lunch.

Brand New Day #2:

  • Was dreaming
  • Woke up screaming when I discovered that I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur
  • Rationalised that being dinosaur wasn’t too practical
  • Ate breakfast
  • Went downstairs for a morning cycle
  • Was glad I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur on a bicycle
  • Rode down the street
  • Was laughed at by an old man
  • Laughed back at him telling him I wasn’t a dinosaur
  • Made it back to my house without getting lost
  • Went upstairs
  • Put on some pants
  • Went back downstairs
  • Checked for seagulls
  • Safely confirmed the absence of seagulls
  • Went to the shops
  • Watched a fat lady talk to herself
  • Guessed she was probably insane
  • Found out she wasn’t insane
  • I just couldn’t see her phone
  • Went inside the shop
  • Bought some stuff
  • Got hungry
  • Ate a flapjack
  • It was a good flapjack
  • It tasted fruity
  • It might have had strawberries on it
  • It was probably a strawberry flapjack
  • Went outside again
  • Stumbled over a Chinese hobo
  • Was shocked and disbelieved
  • Took a picture of him to send to my friends
  • Discovered the hobo was watching me
  • Scrambled to make an excuse and told him I was a reporter for Homeless Anonymous
  • He just smiled and told me to “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered I’d just met a friendly Chinese Hobo
  • Took a picture of the two of us together and went home
  • Translated “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered it meant “Fuck Off”
  • Severely regretted giving him my milkshake and telling him the story about the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Recounted the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Laughed out loud
  • It was a funny story
  • Discovered my shoelace was untied
  • Went downstairs to my shoelace stool to tie my shoelaces
  • Forgot to mention I own a shoelace stool
  • It’s a very nice little stool
  • It’s got a seat and everything
  • In fact, it’s probably the best shoelace stool in the whole world
  • In fact it’s on a whole other scale
  • This is how good it is:
  • Think of a number between 1 and 17
  • Multiply that number by 3
  • Add 15
  • Times by 20
  • Subtract 2
  • Add 5
  • Multiply by 2
  • Forget all those numbers
  • Now think of an amazing shoelace stool
  • That’s how amazing it was
  • Went and made lunch
  • Had a peanut butter and jam sandwich
  • Switched on the microwave
  • Stopped it a 00:01
  • Reckoned I’d make a good bomb defuser
  • Got a knock at the door
  • Went downstairs
  • Discovered a real reporter from the Homeless Anonymous
  • Discovered I was in trouble for impersonation
  • Realised I had forgotten to check for seagulls
  • Got shat on by a seagull