Brand New Day #2: Thoroughly More Interesting

It’s another brand new day in Cape Town and things are going dandy. Until the dinosaurs come back riding bicycles and hobos patrol the streets. And that’s all before lunch.

Brand New Day #2:

  • Was dreaming
  • Woke up screaming when I discovered that I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur
  • Rationalised that being dinosaur wasn’t too practical
  • Ate breakfast
  • Went downstairs for a morning cycle
  • Was glad I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur on a bicycle
  • Rode down the street
  • Was laughed at by an old man
  • Laughed back at him telling him I wasn’t a dinosaur
  • Made it back to my house without getting lost
  • Went upstairs
  • Put on some pants
  • Went back downstairs
  • Checked for seagulls
  • Safely confirmed the absence of seagulls
  • Went to the shops
  • Watched a fat lady talk to herself
  • Guessed she was probably insane
  • Found out she wasn’t insane
  • I just couldn’t see her phone
  • Went inside the shop
  • Bought some stuff
  • Got hungry
  • Ate a flapjack
  • It was a good flapjack
  • It tasted fruity
  • It might have had strawberries on it
  • It was probably a strawberry flapjack
  • Went outside again
  • Stumbled over a Chinese hobo
  • Was shocked and disbelieved
  • Took a picture of him to send to my friends
  • Discovered the hobo was watching me
  • Scrambled to make an excuse and told him I was a reporter for Homeless Anonymous
  • He just smiled and told me to “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered I’d just met a friendly Chinese Hobo
  • Took a picture of the two of us together and went home
  • Translated “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered it meant “Fuck Off”
  • Severely regretted giving him my milkshake and telling him the story about the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Recounted the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Laughed out loud
  • It was a funny story
  • Discovered my shoelace was untied
  • Went downstairs to my shoelace stool to tie my shoelaces
  • Forgot to mention I own a shoelace stool
  • It’s a very nice little stool
  • It’s got a seat and everything
  • In fact, it’s probably the best shoelace stool in the whole world
  • In fact it’s on a whole other scale
  • This is how good it is:
  • Think of a number between 1 and 17
  • Multiply that number by 3
  • Add 15
  • Times by 20
  • Subtract 2
  • Add 5
  • Multiply by 2
  • Forget all those numbers
  • Now think of an amazing shoelace stool
  • That’s how amazing it was
  • Went and made lunch
  • Had a peanut butter and jam sandwich
  • Switched on the microwave
  • Stopped it a 00:01
  • Reckoned I’d make a good bomb defuser
  • Got a knock at the door
  • Went downstairs
  • Discovered a real reporter from the Homeless Anonymous
  • Discovered I was in trouble for impersonation
  • Realised I had forgotten to check for seagulls
  • Got shat on by a seagull
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Brand New Day #1: Less Interesting

 

Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.

To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’

Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:

Brand New Day #1:

  • Woke up on floor
  • Discovered mouth was dry
  • Discovered I was missing a sock
  • Took five minutes to remember how I got here
  • Discovered cat was sitting on my face
  • Went into shower
  • No hot water
  • Got out shower
  • Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
  • Went for breakfast
  • Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
  • Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
  • Made a scale:
  1. Life-Taking
  2. Hopeless
  3. Fair
  4. Okay
  5. Good
  6. Great
  7. OMG, OMG, OMG
  • Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
  • Went to fridge
  • No milk
  • Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
  • Went to school
  • Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
  • Called them a wanker
  • Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
  • Got out just in time for Maths
  • Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
  • Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
  • Went to break
  • Had a cheese-sandwich
  • Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
  • Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
  • Spotted rainclouds
  • Had to change campuses
  • Was rained on
  • On the way back lost my iPod Nano
  • Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
  • Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
  • Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
  • Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
  • Went to second break
  • Had another cheese-sandwich
  • Got pooped on by a seagull
  • Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
  • Sat through the rest of school
  • Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
  • Spat out a lot of hairs
  • Went home
  • Discovered my arm really hurts
  • Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
  • Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
  • Decided to make supper
  • Opened the fridge
  • Discovered we have run out of bacon
  • Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
  • Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls