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I had a terrible accident yesterday. But I’m okay now so you can all stop crying. I do, however, feel as it is my duty as a denizen of this Earth to inform you, the public, of the terrible and stressful situation I got myself into. Seriously, I completely panicked. I might have even shouted out a couple of embarrassing things like I’m not quite sure if I’ve killed a man. Although when I left him he seemed to at least be partially breathing.
Seriously though; if you ever find yourself in a situation containing two or more of these circumstances I strongly suggest you extradite yourself from the equation:
- Wearing soft socks
- Standing on a slippery floor
- Discovering it’s midnight
- Being only 20% conscious
- Standing with unequal weight
- Happen to be in a bathroom
- Could have a full bladder
- Don’t realise you’re beginning to slide
If you happen to be in this situation already and are for some reason checking your feeds and discovering this post, I have taken the liberty to compile this guide listing the correct operating procedures for you to follow to get yourself out of this situation:
Successfully do the Splitz and aim on high:
- This is probably impossible for most people
- You can kind of make up the rest from here
- Also know to cause Cancer
- I’m not quite sure if this works but I once saw my dog do it. So it’s bound to work because it’s common knowledge dogs are the super-genii behind the invention of orange juice. They also do eat their own poop.
In other unrelated news I recently discovered that my toothpaste art collection is frowned upon by several foreign cultures.
Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.
To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’
Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:
Brand New Day #1:
- Woke up on floor
- Discovered mouth was dry
- Discovered I was missing a sock
- Took five minutes to remember how I got here
- Discovered cat was sitting on my face
- Went into shower
- No hot water
- Got out shower
- Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
- Went for breakfast
- Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
- Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
- Made a scale:
- OMG, OMG, OMG
- Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
- Went to fridge
- No milk
- Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
- Went to school
- Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
- Called them a wanker
- Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
- Got out just in time for Maths
- Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
- Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
- Went to break
- Had a cheese-sandwich
- Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
- Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
- Spotted rainclouds
- Had to change campuses
- Was rained on
- On the way back lost my iPod Nano
- Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
- Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
- Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
- Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
- Went to second break
- Had another cheese-sandwich
- Got pooped on by a seagull
- Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
- Sat through the rest of school
- Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
- Spat out a lot of hairs
- Went home
- Discovered my arm really hurts
- Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
- Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
- Decided to make supper
- Opened the fridge
- Discovered we have run out of bacon
- Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
- Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls
Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:
Brother: Whatcha doing..
Brother: What on the internet?
Me: Internet stuff.
Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?
Me: Are you going to tell me?
Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.
Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.
Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.
Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog bit him…
Me: Oh that’s cool.
Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?
Me: Is there a point to this?
Brother: Of course.
Me: Can you get to it?
Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —
Me: Stop that.
Brother: Stop what?
Brother: What, talking?
Me: Yes, talking.
Me: Because I said so.
Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.
Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.
Brother: But I’m a human.
Me: Yes I know you’re a human!
Brother: So why must I stop?
Me: Because it’s annoying me!
Brother: Humans annoy people as well.
Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!
Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.
Me: Can you just please stop now?
Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.
Me: Who said you had charisma?
Me: Which people?
Brother: People with an eye for quality.
Me: So you think you’re quality?
Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?
Me: No, actually —
Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.
Me: What?! But you hate modelling.
Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.
Me: When did you start to like it?
Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.
Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.
Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.
Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?
Brother: I really am the perfect human.
Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.
Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.
Me: You’re going on a campaign?!
Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.
Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?
Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.
Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!
Brother: Why must I leave?
Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!
Brother: But I came here for a purpose.
Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.
Brother: But I need you…
Me: I thought you were all about individuality…
Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…