21 Reasons I Hate Seagulls

  1. They’re seagulls
  2. They’re seagulls
  3. They’re seagulls
  4. They’re seagulls
  5. They’re seagulls
  6. They’re seagulls
  7. They’re seagulls
  8. They’re seagulls
  9. They’re seagulls
  10. They’re seagulls
  11. They’re seagulls
  12. They’re seagulls
  13. They’re seagulls
  14. They’re seagulls
  15. They’re seagulls
  16. They’re seagulls
  17. They’re seagulls
  18. They’re seagulls
  19. They’re seagulls
  20. They’re seagulls
  21. They’re seagulls

Flying Bastard Rat Artwork by Chocogingerfingers

Brand New Day #2: Thoroughly More Interesting

It’s another brand new day in Cape Town and things are going dandy. Until the dinosaurs come back riding bicycles and hobos patrol the streets. And that’s all before lunch.

Brand New Day #2:

  • Was dreaming
  • Woke up screaming when I discovered that I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur
  • Rationalised that being dinosaur wasn’t too practical
  • Ate breakfast
  • Went downstairs for a morning cycle
  • Was glad I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur on a bicycle
  • Rode down the street
  • Was laughed at by an old man
  • Laughed back at him telling him I wasn’t a dinosaur
  • Made it back to my house without getting lost
  • Went upstairs
  • Put on some pants
  • Went back downstairs
  • Checked for seagulls
  • Safely confirmed the absence of seagulls
  • Went to the shops
  • Watched a fat lady talk to herself
  • Guessed she was probably insane
  • Found out she wasn’t insane
  • I just couldn’t see her phone
  • Went inside the shop
  • Bought some stuff
  • Got hungry
  • Ate a flapjack
  • It was a good flapjack
  • It tasted fruity
  • It might have had strawberries on it
  • It was probably a strawberry flapjack
  • Went outside again
  • Stumbled over a Chinese hobo
  • Was shocked and disbelieved
  • Took a picture of him to send to my friends
  • Discovered the hobo was watching me
  • Scrambled to make an excuse and told him I was a reporter for Homeless Anonymous
  • He just smiled and told me to “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered I’d just met a friendly Chinese Hobo
  • Took a picture of the two of us together and went home
  • Translated “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered it meant “Fuck Off”
  • Severely regretted giving him my milkshake and telling him the story about the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Recounted the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Laughed out loud
  • It was a funny story
  • Discovered my shoelace was untied
  • Went downstairs to my shoelace stool to tie my shoelaces
  • Forgot to mention I own a shoelace stool
  • It’s a very nice little stool
  • It’s got a seat and everything
  • In fact, it’s probably the best shoelace stool in the whole world
  • In fact it’s on a whole other scale
  • This is how good it is:
  • Think of a number between 1 and 17
  • Multiply that number by 3
  • Add 15
  • Times by 20
  • Subtract 2
  • Add 5
  • Multiply by 2
  • Forget all those numbers
  • Now think of an amazing shoelace stool
  • That’s how amazing it was
  • Went and made lunch
  • Had a peanut butter and jam sandwich
  • Switched on the microwave
  • Stopped it a 00:01
  • Reckoned I’d make a good bomb defuser
  • Got a knock at the door
  • Went downstairs
  • Discovered a real reporter from the Homeless Anonymous
  • Discovered I was in trouble for impersonation
  • Realised I had forgotten to check for seagulls
  • Got shat on by a seagull

Night Ventures

I had a terrible accident yesterday. But I’m okay now so you can all stop crying. I do, however, feel as it is my duty as a denizen of this Earth to inform you, the public, of the terrible and stressful situation I got myself into. Seriously, I completely panicked. I might have even shouted out a couple of embarrassing things like I’m not quite sure if I’ve killed a man. Although when I left him he seemed to at least be partially breathing.

Seriously though; if you ever find yourself in a situation containing two or more of these circumstances I strongly suggest you extradite yourself from the equation:

  • Wearing soft socks
  • Standing on a slippery floor
  • Discovering it’s midnight
  • Being only 20% conscious
  • Standing with unequal weight
  • Happen to be in a bathroom
  • Could have a full bladder
  • Don’t realise you’re beginning to slide

If you happen to be in this situation already and are for some reason checking your feeds and discovering this post, I have taken the liberty to compile this guide listing the correct operating procedures for you to follow to get yourself out of this situation:

Successfully do the Splitz and aim on high:

  • This is probably impossible for most people

Clench hard:

  • You can kind of make up the rest from here
  • Also know to cause Cancer

Roll over:

  • I’m not quite sure if this works but I once saw my dog do it. So it’s bound to work because it’s common knowledge dogs are the super-genii behind the invention of orange juice. They also do eat their own poop.

In other unrelated news I recently discovered that my toothpaste art collection is frowned upon by several foreign cultures.

Brand New Day #1: Less Interesting

 

Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.

To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’

Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:

Brand New Day #1:

  • Woke up on floor
  • Discovered mouth was dry
  • Discovered I was missing a sock
  • Took five minutes to remember how I got here
  • Discovered cat was sitting on my face
  • Went into shower
  • No hot water
  • Got out shower
  • Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
  • Went for breakfast
  • Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
  • Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
  • Made a scale:
  1. Life-Taking
  2. Hopeless
  3. Fair
  4. Okay
  5. Good
  6. Great
  7. OMG, OMG, OMG
  • Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
  • Went to fridge
  • No milk
  • Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
  • Went to school
  • Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
  • Called them a wanker
  • Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
  • Got out just in time for Maths
  • Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
  • Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
  • Went to break
  • Had a cheese-sandwich
  • Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
  • Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
  • Spotted rainclouds
  • Had to change campuses
  • Was rained on
  • On the way back lost my iPod Nano
  • Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
  • Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
  • Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
  • Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
  • Went to second break
  • Had another cheese-sandwich
  • Got pooped on by a seagull
  • Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
  • Sat through the rest of school
  • Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
  • Spat out a lot of hairs
  • Went home
  • Discovered my arm really hurts
  • Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
  • Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
  • Decided to make supper
  • Opened the fridge
  • Discovered we have run out of bacon
  • Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
  • Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls

Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?

Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!

Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…

Me: OMFG.

Oh, why it’s you, Mr Rex…

Nebraska.

It’s a place. In America somewhere.

An official signpost.

Other than it having a cool name I know absolutely nothing of the place… But it obviously isn’t very exciting if you’re driven to change your name to Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex just to spice up your life.

That’s what Tyler Gold, now officially Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex Joesph Gold, did on Monday, 7th May. He changed his name because it was “cooler” and more recognisable for his business.

Mr Tyrannosaurus Rex might have the name of a registered sex offender but he’s an entrepreneur and to get his goods into the meat mittens of society he’s gotta make a splash, right?

Of course there are many other ways to get costumer’s attention and get people to remember you and to buy your products, so I’ve taken the liberty of coming up with a list for you. So here’s the TOP 5 THINGS TO DO TO GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION (AND MONEY) WITHOUT BECOMING A DINOSAUR:

Number One:

Promote your business.

It doesn’t matter if you’re selling mismatching socks or curry so hot it’ll burn you from north to south, you need to get your business known. And no matter how many flyers you leave on car windows or Yellow Pages ads you publish there is no way to get someone’s attention like a half naked lady handing them things.

A classic example of smart advertising.

Thinking like this is a sure way to get your business known and keep the customers coming. To keep the customers in the shop make sure your cashiers are just as flashy – and fleshy – as your advertisers.

Number Two:

Give away free sh*t.

Whether it’s a couple of samples, a bunch of coupons or a gold plated, money-pooping goose, people like free stuff. So stuffing their hands full of it will only make them remember you. It’s important to note that this is expensive so if you run out of money at this stage just steal some of the money you know Grandma hides under her mattress. Don’t feel guilty, she’s probably already forgotten where the bedroom is anyway.

Always answer;   “Yes Nana.”

Number Three:

Use lots of big words.

The state of education has severely dropped in the past few years. With money burning teenagers pretending not to be smoking around every corner it’s only right to put a couple of cool pictures, an explosion and a naked lady with words they don’t know, for them to gobble up your products.

Shopping for deals…

Number Four:

Moving adverts.

I recent trend has emerged where people are putting advertising material on park benches. This is kind of a waste because no one pays any attention to it at all. Until you get creative.

Creativity, however, always requires glue.

Fifteen minutes and one quick sit down later.

It’s never impolite to stare.

Now you have dynamic adverts that patrol the cityscape promoting your wares. It’s a pleasure.

Number Five:

Like sheep.

People generally take an interest in something that a lot of other people like. This is because there’s some primordial part of you that wants to have what everybody else is having.

So to make it look like your business is the sh*t go around your local neighbourhood and pay off as many kids ranging from thirteen up until they stop taking your money, to walk around the city talking as loud as they can about your shop.

Then have as many of them at once all flock to your store screaming about how awesome it is.

People will notice and be attracted to your store. After all if thirty full grown people are pushing and shoving to get there first, it must have something good…

There were too many frames to draw here so here’a picture of what sheep look like:

They’re not very smart.

This has been theTOP 5 THINGS TO DO TO GET PEOPLE’S ATTENTION (AND MONEY) WITHOUT BECOMING A DINOSAUR, proving that being known as Mr Rex – or That-Sex-Pedo-Guy if you’re a kid and say it to your parents funny after coming back from playing at his house – is not the only way to have your business become well known and prosperous.

For more please follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper or become my stalker.