9 Great Games You Can Play With Ice Cream

Nine Great Games You Can Play With Ice Cream:

1) Ice Cream Tossing!

– A lot like juggling except this time you’ve got Ice Cream and if you drop it you don’t receive embarrassment but instead the cries of a million broken dreams from a host of bawling children…

It’s fun, trust me.

2) Ice Cream Baseball!

– A great game made for fun times and memorable occasions. Perfect for a hot summer’s day when you round of family bonding and ice-cool refreshment is just what Jones the unreliable family doctor ordered!

3) Ice Cream Tag!

– It’s like your two most favourite childhood dreams come together in a glorious symphony of adrenaline, laughter and sugary goodness! Plus it totally leeds onto my personal favourite game, Lick Your Neighbour!

4) Ice Cream Luck!

– Probably the most daring of all these games, Ice Cream Luck involves setting nearby items or unfortunately placed pieces of furniture on fire and then frantically bombarding them with love buckets of frozen cream, sugar and happiness to prevent your family from burning to death! Good times assured…

5) Ice Cream Drop!

Buckets of love!

– Dropping sparkling Ice Cream Rain down onto the passing public from tall buildings! It’s like granting a miracle. They’ll thank you for it later :)

6) Clay Cream!

– What’s better for the gentleman than a good spot of Clay Pigeon shooting? So why not make good better with the addition of semi-frozen pleasure in a cone? Go ahead, try it.

7) Ice Cream Party!

There ain’t no party like an Ice Cream party…

8) Ice Cream Fencing!

– A wonderful example of sports being re-invented… This exciting twist to a classic sport makes it not only fun and accessible to youngsters it also sets up their skills and reflexes for a life of professional fencing in the wonderful years to come!

The wonderful system also allows the use of hidden blades, stored in the sub-zero wonder cream for use in the sneaky later stages of a fight for good old fashioned kiddie murder! Yes that’s right Jimmy, keep on stabbing until you can’t feel his dark heart beating anymore. His was his fault your father cheated on your mother with his secretary and forced their marriage apart and left you to the councillors and social workers to drift the streams of foster care and hopelessness for eight years while your parents recovered from mental breakdowns and periodic lapses into self-hatred-induced bilge drinking. Yes Jimmy, thrust, thrust Jimmy! Mua-hahaha!

On second thought, that’s probably not the greatest game for children…

9) Ice Cream Shot!

– An ingenious combination of high-grade explosives, idiotic self-endangerment and frozen sugary treats forms a wonderful pastime for all ages!

Easily constructed out of discontinued military hardware and illegal black-market weaponry this game will have you rolling on the floor laughing so hard you’ll start bleeding. Just like all your friends! :D

10) Barbwire Jump!

– Jump on barbed wire.

In fact there’s a lot less about this game to do with Ice Cream than there appeared to be… I’m not even sure there was ten games to start with? Was there? No, how did this get here then? Oh well there’s always a good time at the Sellafield Playgroup I guess…

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A Series Of Pointless Circles

I have a surprise for you.

It’s quite fantastic.

I’ve been meaning to show you.

It’s been waiting for ages…

Eons really.

Actually, I like Ages better…

Y’know what? Eons…

Okay, Ages.

So it’s been waiting for ages…

It’s a grand surprise.

One of those: “OMG Imma be done killin’ dat them seagulls!” types of surprises.

Or maybe more of a: “OMG Josh is amazing! He’s like so handsome and sexy and smart! Oh and BTW that surprise was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” type of surprise.

I think it’s gonna be like that.

Probably.

It probably is.

Just like how your sister probably wasn’t pregnant before she went to meet that backalley doctor.

Just like that.

So anyway, you know this is going to be amazing.

I can hear that buzzing in your ears from here.

That heart-stopping pulse of adrenaline…

That maddening flux of unparalleled excitement rushing through your veins with the fury and intensity of a thousand dying suns…

It’s that great.

And more.

Like, like, like, Bacon more.

And then some.

So it’s amazing.

So amazing, in fact, that I’ve been told by the diplomatic leaders of several prominent countries that it has desecrated their entire population of Triangle People.

While this is traumatic for some, others must be warned to prepare yourselves for the utter awesomeness that lies ahead.

(To be properly safe and legally correct, take a quick second to check out this safety guide and user manual for the forthcoming awesomeness: )

The Official Safety Guide And Instruction Set For Handling Of Mindholeblowing Products
Rated R

  • Please insure you are wearing the correct safety gear. This includes, but is not limited to, safety gloves, protective helmets, correct eyewear, earmuffs, blue socks and seagull protecting lithiospheres.
  • Please ensure that all bodily extremities are tucked in and and away from the edge.
  • Please make sure that you strap yourselves in as the awesomeness level is currently unprecedented and is known to raise the risk of having a stroke by 43%.
  • To prevent any bodily harm, please remove the blue socks you were previously told to put on. These were ridiculous and in no way improve safety and security when viewing the awesomeness.

It needs to be said, before any legal matters arise, that you view the following at your own risk and neither insertmyfeed nor I are, in any form or way, responsible for the outcome of your viewing experience.

So stand back.

And get ready.

Coz here it comes.

Comes and comes and comes with all the amazingness and all the epicness and all the wholeheartedmindholeblowingness that you’ve been expecting!

So watch out world!

Shield your eyes!

Coz!

Here!

It!

Is!  :

21 Reasons I Hate Seagulls

  1. They’re seagulls
  2. They’re seagulls
  3. They’re seagulls
  4. They’re seagulls
  5. They’re seagulls
  6. They’re seagulls
  7. They’re seagulls
  8. They’re seagulls
  9. They’re seagulls
  10. They’re seagulls
  11. They’re seagulls
  12. They’re seagulls
  13. They’re seagulls
  14. They’re seagulls
  15. They’re seagulls
  16. They’re seagulls
  17. They’re seagulls
  18. They’re seagulls
  19. They’re seagulls
  20. They’re seagulls
  21. They’re seagulls

Flying Bastard Rat Artwork by Chocogingerfingers

Brand New Day #2: Thoroughly More Interesting

It’s another brand new day in Cape Town and things are going dandy. Until the dinosaurs come back riding bicycles and hobos patrol the streets. And that’s all before lunch.

Brand New Day #2:

  • Was dreaming
  • Woke up screaming when I discovered that I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur
  • Rationalised that being dinosaur wasn’t too practical
  • Ate breakfast
  • Went downstairs for a morning cycle
  • Was glad I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur on a bicycle
  • Rode down the street
  • Was laughed at by an old man
  • Laughed back at him telling him I wasn’t a dinosaur
  • Made it back to my house without getting lost
  • Went upstairs
  • Put on some pants
  • Went back downstairs
  • Checked for seagulls
  • Safely confirmed the absence of seagulls
  • Went to the shops
  • Watched a fat lady talk to herself
  • Guessed she was probably insane
  • Found out she wasn’t insane
  • I just couldn’t see her phone
  • Went inside the shop
  • Bought some stuff
  • Got hungry
  • Ate a flapjack
  • It was a good flapjack
  • It tasted fruity
  • It might have had strawberries on it
  • It was probably a strawberry flapjack
  • Went outside again
  • Stumbled over a Chinese hobo
  • Was shocked and disbelieved
  • Took a picture of him to send to my friends
  • Discovered the hobo was watching me
  • Scrambled to make an excuse and told him I was a reporter for Homeless Anonymous
  • He just smiled and told me to “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered I’d just met a friendly Chinese Hobo
  • Took a picture of the two of us together and went home
  • Translated “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered it meant “Fuck Off”
  • Severely regretted giving him my milkshake and telling him the story about the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Recounted the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Laughed out loud
  • It was a funny story
  • Discovered my shoelace was untied
  • Went downstairs to my shoelace stool to tie my shoelaces
  • Forgot to mention I own a shoelace stool
  • It’s a very nice little stool
  • It’s got a seat and everything
  • In fact, it’s probably the best shoelace stool in the whole world
  • In fact it’s on a whole other scale
  • This is how good it is:
  • Think of a number between 1 and 17
  • Multiply that number by 3
  • Add 15
  • Times by 20
  • Subtract 2
  • Add 5
  • Multiply by 2
  • Forget all those numbers
  • Now think of an amazing shoelace stool
  • That’s how amazing it was
  • Went and made lunch
  • Had a peanut butter and jam sandwich
  • Switched on the microwave
  • Stopped it a 00:01
  • Reckoned I’d make a good bomb defuser
  • Got a knock at the door
  • Went downstairs
  • Discovered a real reporter from the Homeless Anonymous
  • Discovered I was in trouble for impersonation
  • Realised I had forgotten to check for seagulls
  • Got shat on by a seagull

Brand New Day #1: Less Interesting

 

Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.

To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’

Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:

Brand New Day #1:

  • Woke up on floor
  • Discovered mouth was dry
  • Discovered I was missing a sock
  • Took five minutes to remember how I got here
  • Discovered cat was sitting on my face
  • Went into shower
  • No hot water
  • Got out shower
  • Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
  • Went for breakfast
  • Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
  • Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
  • Made a scale:
  1. Life-Taking
  2. Hopeless
  3. Fair
  4. Okay
  5. Good
  6. Great
  7. OMG, OMG, OMG
  • Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
  • Went to fridge
  • No milk
  • Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
  • Went to school
  • Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
  • Called them a wanker
  • Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
  • Got out just in time for Maths
  • Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
  • Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
  • Went to break
  • Had a cheese-sandwich
  • Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
  • Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
  • Spotted rainclouds
  • Had to change campuses
  • Was rained on
  • On the way back lost my iPod Nano
  • Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
  • Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
  • Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
  • Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
  • Went to second break
  • Had another cheese-sandwich
  • Got pooped on by a seagull
  • Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
  • Sat through the rest of school
  • Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
  • Spat out a lot of hairs
  • Went home
  • Discovered my arm really hurts
  • Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
  • Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
  • Decided to make supper
  • Opened the fridge
  • Discovered we have run out of bacon
  • Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
  • Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls

Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?

Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!

Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…

Me: OMFG.