Aaand… AFRICA.

Here’s a fun fact. I live in Africa. For those of you who don’t know you’re currently on the internet. This might come as a surprise to some. Well, not that you’re on the internet, but more so the fact I am.

Yes, as I said Africa.

Here’s another fun fact, Africa is a continent. Yes, a continent. as in, THERE ARE MANY COUNTRIES IN AFRICA. In fact there are 56. That’s 53 countries more than there are in North America. Also Africa is bigger than America. By a lot.

If you, for instance, lived in San Diego, California what are the chances you know a guy named Fred in New York?

About this many:

.

..

….

…..

……

…….

Exactly.

So why am I expected to know Obusangwe from Kenya if I live in South Africa? Which, co-incidently, is further from Kenya than San Diego is from New York.

Also, for people who only can make sense of these squiggles if they’re accompanied by paintingsquares, here’s some pictures of where I live:

Cape Town 1

Cape Town 3

Cape Town 4In case you weren’t paying close, scrutinising attention to my beautiful paintingsquares I tirelessly spent five seconds scouring the interwebs for, here are a couple of things that DON’T appear in these pictures:

1) Lions.

I am one hundred percent sure there is a total of exactly no lions of any form here. In fact, the only lion you’d probably see on a semi-regular basis is one of the supporters of the eponymically named rugby team.

For a quick stats update, South Africa currently has only 1700 lions. Most of those are found in zoos or game reserves and national parks.

Also, those pictures showed neither elephants, cheetahs, rhinos or ostriches.

2) Huts.

Sure, in many rural areas of South Africa huts are still built in a traditional fashion. Strangely, as you may have noticed, none are to be found here. 

3) Dustbowls.

Absolutely zero places in these pictures depict a starving dustbowl filled of malnutritioned children with bloated stomachs with flies swarming on their faces.

4) People eating sticks, dancing around fire or discovering the wheel.

America might think it’s the best thing since sliced bread and invented everything there ever was to be invented but in no way is Africa a backwater jungle where tribes people struggle to come to grips with the harsh reality that, sadly, we moved out of the Ice Age and descended into the land of sapience.

ALSO:

Here are a few things you might have noted ARE included in the pictures:

1) Lights.

That’s right! Africa does understand the sparky marvel of electricity! Somehow, obviously only under the grace of God, Edison’s invention of the lightbulb reached us. This might have been because European settlers colonised South Africa in 1652 only 87 years after Spanish settlers first set up camp at St. Augustine, USA in 1565. To put that in perspective, the Titanic sank a longer ago than the time difference between settlements in the US of A and the R of SA.

:)

2) Skyscrapers.

Yes those are concrete people sausages. Yes we have them to. Yes, we do call this wonderful thing ‘civilisation.’

3) TERCHNERLOGY!

  • Cellphones, check!
  • Computers, check!
  • Internet, check!
  • Cinemas, check!
  • The entire 21st century, check!

4) Places to stick your sick bod.

We have hospitals. In fact some of them are the best in the world. First open heart surgery? Guess where that happened?

APS pain therapy. Guess where that was invented?

Alban Cormack. Invented the CAT Scan. Guess where he was born?

—-

To wrap this up, putting everything in some nice context for you, here are some pictures of  our friend ‘Murika! Also, I might have snuck some other pictures in:

Uh… I don’t know how this got in here…

:)

As usual, for African Education, polyhypotheticaldrivesyncracies and general nonsensery you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper or like the Facebook page The Official | insertmyfeed.

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Honey, I’m home…


A pale grey mist slides slowly over the decrepit road. It’s been a long time, and the scent of ancient undisturbed memories hangs heavy in the air. You walk quietly down the road, your feet giving little sighs as you move across the remainder of damp leaves that carpet a floor of broken promises. There’s a forgotten feel to this place. As if it once spoke of grandeur and greater things, of luxury and wealth. A place of laughter and good will. But that was a long time ago… Now this place is just a shell of what it used to be, abandoned and left rejected by an unloving creator…

Until NOW!

Lots and lots of happy faces!!! @#$! :) :) :)) :) :))))) :) :)

Hello you beautiful people!

Now, before you start shouting, I deeply apologise for my grievous sins…

I know you’re frail and fragile and need my warm and nurturing love, and I know I just left you to the wolves and beasties and went out in search of Herobrine myself…

…But I’m here now lovies! And I promise I won’t ever leave you alone again, coz I know how some of you have attachment/abandonment issues…

But that’s okay because Joshie loves you.

Yes, and you and you and you.

Joshie is a whoreo and loves every single one of you!

Naughty Joshie!

:)

*Hugs from Joshie*

Isn’t Joshie awesome?

Aww… Thanks :3… Well I’m glad you think so because I am, and I respect your decision .. Now go get off your lazy asses and go tell your friends about how awesome insertmyfeed is…!

And if you don’t think it’s awesome, please kindly keep your ill-informed opinions to yourself…

On another 8-bit note, I’d like to make an announcement…

I’m planning on writing longer, more meaningful posts now. Yes that’s right, filled with all the laughs, truths, facts, events, catastrophes and brobdingnagian exaggerations you can handle while juggling a pair of chainsmoking elephants!

Woo! for fact!

Woo! for truthful meanderings!

Woo! for hyperbole!

Woo! for Josh!

So in-between these mind-boggling pieces of digital gold will be smaller more ridiculous supplements like Brand New Day and other such gems.

Yay!

Also to smooth over your seeping wounds left from my traumatic disappearance I’ll be giving away free sh*t!

Yes, that’s right, all you wonderful subscribers/followers will be getting not only 1 whole 100% free, brand new, all-exclusive, one-time premiere, amazing new post but also 1 whole 100% free, brand new, all-exclusive, one-time premiere, amazing new sudoku puzzle

:D

The Posting… Beware, I warn you: He is OUT there.
The Sudoku:

_ o_o _

Oh, by the way, it’s totally filled out already… Oops.  :o

A Series Of Pointless Circles

I have a surprise for you.

It’s quite fantastic.

I’ve been meaning to show you.

It’s been waiting for ages…

Eons really.

Actually, I like Ages better…

Y’know what? Eons…

Okay, Ages.

So it’s been waiting for ages…

It’s a grand surprise.

One of those: “OMG Imma be done killin’ dat them seagulls!” types of surprises.

Or maybe more of a: “OMG Josh is amazing! He’s like so handsome and sexy and smart! Oh and BTW that surprise was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” type of surprise.

I think it’s gonna be like that.

Probably.

It probably is.

Just like how your sister probably wasn’t pregnant before she went to meet that backalley doctor.

Just like that.

So anyway, you know this is going to be amazing.

I can hear that buzzing in your ears from here.

That heart-stopping pulse of adrenaline…

That maddening flux of unparalleled excitement rushing through your veins with the fury and intensity of a thousand dying suns…

It’s that great.

And more.

Like, like, like, Bacon more.

And then some.

So it’s amazing.

So amazing, in fact, that I’ve been told by the diplomatic leaders of several prominent countries that it has desecrated their entire population of Triangle People.

While this is traumatic for some, others must be warned to prepare yourselves for the utter awesomeness that lies ahead.

(To be properly safe and legally correct, take a quick second to check out this safety guide and user manual for the forthcoming awesomeness: )

The Official Safety Guide And Instruction Set For Handling Of Mindholeblowing Products
Rated R

  • Please insure you are wearing the correct safety gear. This includes, but is not limited to, safety gloves, protective helmets, correct eyewear, earmuffs, blue socks and seagull protecting lithiospheres.
  • Please ensure that all bodily extremities are tucked in and and away from the edge.
  • Please make sure that you strap yourselves in as the awesomeness level is currently unprecedented and is known to raise the risk of having a stroke by 43%.
  • To prevent any bodily harm, please remove the blue socks you were previously told to put on. These were ridiculous and in no way improve safety and security when viewing the awesomeness.

It needs to be said, before any legal matters arise, that you view the following at your own risk and neither insertmyfeed nor I are, in any form or way, responsible for the outcome of your viewing experience.

So stand back.

And get ready.

Coz here it comes.

Comes and comes and comes with all the amazingness and all the epicness and all the wholeheartedmindholeblowingness that you’ve been expecting!

So watch out world!

Shield your eyes!

Coz!

Here!

It!

Is!  :

Night Ventures

I had a terrible accident yesterday. But I’m okay now so you can all stop crying. I do, however, feel as it is my duty as a denizen of this Earth to inform you, the public, of the terrible and stressful situation I got myself into. Seriously, I completely panicked. I might have even shouted out a couple of embarrassing things like I’m not quite sure if I’ve killed a man. Although when I left him he seemed to at least be partially breathing.

Seriously though; if you ever find yourself in a situation containing two or more of these circumstances I strongly suggest you extradite yourself from the equation:

  • Wearing soft socks
  • Standing on a slippery floor
  • Discovering it’s midnight
  • Being only 20% conscious
  • Standing with unequal weight
  • Happen to be in a bathroom
  • Could have a full bladder
  • Don’t realise you’re beginning to slide

If you happen to be in this situation already and are for some reason checking your feeds and discovering this post, I have taken the liberty to compile this guide listing the correct operating procedures for you to follow to get yourself out of this situation:

Successfully do the Splitz and aim on high:

  • This is probably impossible for most people

Clench hard:

  • You can kind of make up the rest from here
  • Also know to cause Cancer

Roll over:

  • I’m not quite sure if this works but I once saw my dog do it. So it’s bound to work because it’s common knowledge dogs are the super-genii behind the invention of orange juice. They also do eat their own poop.

In other unrelated news I recently discovered that my toothpaste art collection is frowned upon by several foreign cultures.

Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?

Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!

Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…

Me: OMFG.