Personal Relations


New Posting Template; Personal Relations

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years there was a hysterically funny blog going around at littlemissuncensored.com. The blog is currently taking a holiday to relax, enjoy the sun, get hopelessly drunk, meet strange men, quietly dispose of illegitimate children and other family-approved holiday related activities. However the author, Katy, and I exchanged a series of entertaining tweets and emails as we discussed the possibility of collaborating and posting a guest piece on each other’s sites.

Here is a verbatim (unedited, for you kids at the back) transcript of the emails and tweets:

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(Begin Tweets)

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Katy: @Voidjumper thanks for the comment, and for mentioning my blog in your blog. I’m sorry seagulls pooped on you twice. (not really, I lol’d).

Me: @katyuncensored Hahaha :) Pleasure, I really enjoy your humour :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I enjoy yours as well. I subscribed via RSS. Don’t disappoint! Or else. (I will probably do nothing. But still.)

Me: @katyuncensored Last time I checked my RSS button-thingy just led to a whole bunch of broken code. eMail subscription works though… :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I added your link to my mobile RSS reader and I’m stalking—I mean “reading” your entries as we tweet.

Me: @katyuncensored :) Thanks! I’m trying to fix the RSS on-page so it can be direct. I heard you gave up on your blog?

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IN RELATION TO THE RELEASE OF BRAND NEW DAY #2

(https://insertmyfeed.wordpress.com/2012/08/04/brand-new-day-2-thoroughly-more-interesting/)

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Katy: @Voidjumper But they’re so cute & I hear they die after they poop on you RT @Voidjumper : #MyFeed Brand New Day #2 out now on http://wp.me/2tQ3Y  :D

Me: @katyuncensored That’s only becoz I come equipped with lasereyes and all sorts of fancy gadgets. I dare them to try again.. Oh shit. Jinxed.

Katy: @Voidjumper no wait that’s bees. They’re the ones who die after they sting you. Gulls just high five 1 another with their cute little wings.

Me: @katyuncensored bees don’t die after they sting you. They just hide & get together to do secret bee things like wear helmets & play badminton

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GENERAL STATUS:

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Katy: While coming up with the ingenious lyrics, I over-cooked my grilled cheese:( pic.twitter.com/oeo1mPR8

Me: @katyuncensored but you sing it again and relive all that joy of having your own personal song… in the face of your burnt bread…

Katy: @Voidjumper such comforting words… <3 Thanks.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m thinking of becoming a councilor, I think I can really help people…

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GENERAL STATUS:

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Katy: It’s thundering terribly here. Somebody hold me.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m sure it’ll be alright. It’s only white hot electric death from the skies after all…

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GENERAL STATUS:

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Katy: I’m 5’8″ today thanks to these 5 1/2 inch heels.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m 6’1″ today thanks to these snazzy rainbow socks…

Katy: @Voidjumper Love me some snazzy rainbow socks… <3

—-

GENERAL STATUS:

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Katy: Across the wrist, down the spine, or down the right rib cage? (Not suicidal, just getting another tattoo soon.)

Me: @katyuncensored That’s gonna look great when you’re 90…

Katy: @Voidjumper I probably won’t make it till 90… Maybe 89.

Me: @katyuncensored But it’ll always be super sexy with wrinkles in it… Gives it good texture… Like fine art..

Katy: @Voidjumper I agree. By then one tattoo will be like five, what with the skin sagging all over the place.

Me: @katyuncensored See? That’ll turn any guy on… Go get it now!

Katy: @Voidjumper I was hoping it’d turn guys off, like a rapist-repellent.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m pretty sure pepper spray does that… And it’s not permanent…

Katy: @Voidjumper I used to have a rape whistle, but it was more entertaining than it was helpful.

Me: @katyuncensored Then you should try the pepper spray… The burning eyes is a blast!…

Katy: @Voidjumper you sound to be speaking from experience. Were you the rapist, or victim when the pepper spray was used?

Me: @katyuncensored I prefer the term “Pro Bono Sexual Educator”

Katy: @Voidjumper over here we call it “Surprise Sex”.

Me: @katyuncensored Ahah.. We have “Surprise Adoption”… It’s politically correct.. Otherwise kidnappers might feel offended or picked on..

Katy: @Voidjumper that was so wrong but SO FUNNY. Haha.

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REQUEST FOR GUEST-PIECES:

(Begin email)

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To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Heylo Katy,

By The Way, I’m still trying to recover after you totally broke my heart by stopping your work on Little Miss Uncensored… So yeah… Picking up those pieces…

So I’ve also been kinda skiving off my blog (no idea where I picked up that trait…) and while I’m on holiday I had a great idea that may or may not have been influenced by alcohol.. But isn’t that how all the best ideas start?

So I messaged up some people and have two – three pending – people who are going to be doing some small guest pieces for insertmyfeed.

So I would really like it if you you could grace my blog with one of your works.
I know you’re not blogging now, but it would only be a small piece, hopefully ridiculously funny, about anything you desire…

You could send it to this email address and I’ll upload it to insertmyfeed. It would really mean the world to me…

Please let me know if you’re interested or not, or if you’ve got any feedback.

Thanks,
Merry Christmas, and have a wonderful New Year.

– @Voidjumper

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh,
I’m not going to lie. I’m a little disappointed the earlier email did not contain nudes of yourself.

With everything that is going on right now I don’t know if I’ll have time to blog but if I am able to I will most certainly send you something kick ass to feature on insertmyfeed.

I am a little drunk right now so if none of what I just wrote made sense I am sorry. Here is a picture of a smiley face. :)

Goodnight,
Katy

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Haha,

Yeah the nudes are still getting developed. I don’t know why but the photographer had a thing about old technology. Which is probably why she made me dress up in Victorian clothes and sing ‘Daisy Bell’Anyway, I know the holidays are busy, what with getting drunk and struggling to plan your hangovers to fall on off-days but anything at all would be appreciated because you are, by the way, probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever talked to. Also, I’m sure you would totally rock out on a banjo. And what’s Christmas without moonshine, banjos and gaters?

Wait… Christmas in that thing in the Everglades, right?

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Hey Katy,

I don’t mean to disturb you from cutting up people and secretly licking them before burying them in your backyard, which is, by all respectable standards, my favourite passtime.

I just wanted to know if you’d confirmed/slapped-my-proposal-in-the-face-with-a-sodden-spatula?

Thanks,
You can go back to burying bodies now.

P.S.
Don’t leave fingerprints. That never seems to lead to something good…

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh,

I’m sorry. I won’t be able to compile anything for you any time soon so you will have to count me out.

The nearly dead body says hi.

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Katy

Hey! Put that thing in the ground before you just let it flap about and talk.

Also, if you can get anything this month or next at least, it will be like ICECREAMDONKEYSAURUS–!@#ASDjK!!$@!$LA!!$ARLJQ!!R DSADKL41@#$!JW#!!QKLJRIJ

Yah. That awesome.

So if a rainy day happens to come along, or what some reason you find yourself trapped in a freezer with a turtle named Hensworth…

Thanks,

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh

Speaking of turtles…

katy

<stop>

To: Katy Unsensored

From: Josh van Asten

Well I’m sure Hensworth is quite the forward fellow, so you just watch out. Otherwise you’ll be rearing little versions of you except for bodies they’ll be turtles and they’ll have little claws and they’ll all run around screaming and then you’ll have to breast feed them and then, well, you get the picture…

<stop>

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Productive processes require certain… protocols. In no way, whatsoever, did we adhere to any sort of the social protocol and, in retrospect,  I assume that’s why we never arranged a Guest Piece and why this week’s blog is a bunch of emails about how we could have this week’s blog.

Huh. Turns out you should really listen to what they teach you in school…

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Moral of the story: Stay in school kids.

(The above is an example of responsibility. My councilor’s said good things about it.)

As always you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper and you can catch Katy @katyuncensored or her new handle @katy0523…

Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading littlemissuncensored.blogspot.com. This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?

Me: BECAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING ME!

Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…

Me: OMFG.