Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.
To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’
Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:
Brand New Day #1:
- Woke up on floor
- Discovered mouth was dry
- Discovered I was missing a sock
- Took five minutes to remember how I got here
- Discovered cat was sitting on my face
- Went into shower
- No hot water
- Got out shower
- Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
- Went for breakfast
- Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
- Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
- Made a scale:
- Life-Taking
- Hopeless
- Fair
- Okay
- Good
- Great
- OMG, OMG, OMG
- Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
- Went to fridge
- No milk
- Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
- Went to school
- Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
- Called them a wanker
- Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
- Got out just in time for Maths
- Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
- Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
- Went to break
- Had a cheese-sandwich
- Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
- Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
- Spotted rainclouds
- Had to change campuses
- Was rained on
- On the way back lost my iPod Nano
- Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
- Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
- Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
- Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
- Went to second break
- Had another cheese-sandwich
- Got pooped on by a seagull
- Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
- Sat through the rest of school
- Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
- Spat out a lot of hairs
- Went home
- Discovered my arm really hurts
- Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
- Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
- Decided to make supper
- Opened the fridge
- Discovered we have run out of bacon
- Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
- Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls
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