Aaand… AFRICA.

Here’s a fun fact. I live in Africa. For those of you who don’t know you’re currently on the internet. This might come as a surprise to some. Well, not that you’re on the internet, but more so the fact I am.

Yes, as I said Africa.

Here’s another fun fact, Africa is a continent. Yes, a continent. as in, THERE ARE MANY COUNTRIES IN AFRICA. In fact there are 56. That’s 53 countries more than there are in North America. Also Africa is bigger than America. By a lot.

If you, for instance, lived in San Diego, California what are the chances you know a guy named Fred in New York?

About this many:

.

..

…

….

…..

……

…….

Exactly.

So why am I expected to know Obusangwe from Kenya if I live in South Africa? Which, co-incidently, is further from Kenya than San Diego is from New York.

Also, for people who only can make sense of these squiggles if they’re accompanied by paintingsquares, here’s some pictures of where I live:

In case you weren’t paying close, scrutinising attention to my beautiful paintingsquares I tirelessly spent five seconds scouring the interwebs for, here are a couple of things that DON’T appear in these pictures:

1) Lions.

I am one hundred percent sure there is a total of exactly no lions of any form here. In fact, the only lion you’d probably see on a semi-regular basis is one of the supporters of the eponymically named rugby team.

For a quick stats update, South Africa currently has only 1700 lions. Most of those are found in zoos or game reserves and national parks.

Also, those pictures showed neither elephants, cheetahs, rhinos or ostriches.

2) Huts.

Sure, in many rural areas of South Africa huts are still built in a traditional fashion. Strangely, as you may have noticed, none are to be found here. 

3) Dustbowls.

Absolutely zero places in these pictures depict a starving dustbowl filled of malnutritioned children with bloated stomachs with flies swarming on their faces.

4) People eating sticks, dancing around fire or discovering the wheel.

America might think it’s the best thing since sliced bread and invented everything there ever was to be invented but in no way is Africa a backwater jungle where tribes people struggle to come to grips with the harsh reality that, sadly, we moved out of the Ice Age and descended into the land of sapience.

ALSO:

Here are a few things you might have noted ARE included in the pictures:

1) Lights.

That’s right! Africa does understand the sparky marvel of electricity! Somehow, obviously only under the grace of God, Edison’s invention of the lightbulb reached us. This might have been because European settlers colonised South Africa in 1652 only 87 years after Spanish settlers first set up camp at St. Augustine, USA in 1565. To put that in perspective, the Titanic sank a longer ago than the time difference between settlements in the US of A and the R of SA.

:)

2) Skyscrapers.

Yes those are concrete people sausages. Yes we have them to. Yes, we do call this wonderful thing ‘civilisation.’

3) TERCHNERLOGY!

• Cellphones, check!
• Computers, check!
• Internet, check!
• Cinemas, check!
• The entire 21st century, check!

4) Places to stick your sick bod.

We have hospitals. In fact some of them are the best in the world. First open heart surgery? Guess where that happened?

APS pain therapy. Guess where that was invented?

Alban Cormack. Invented the CAT Scan. Guess where he was born?

—-

To wrap this up, putting everything in some nice context for you, here are some pictures of  our friend ‘Murika! Also, I might have snuck some other pictures in:

Uh… I don’t know how this got in here…

…

:)

As usual, for African Education, polyhypotheticaldrivesyncracies and general nonsensery you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper or like the Facebook page The Official | insertmyfeed.

Personal Relations

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years there was a hysterically funny blog going around at littlemissuncensored.com. The blog is currently taking a holiday to relax, enjoy the sun, get hopelessly drunk, meet strange men, quietly dispose of illegitimate children and other family-approved holiday related activities. However the author, Katy, and I exchanged a series of entertaining tweets and emails as we discussed the possibility of collaborating and posting a guest piece on each other’s sites.

Here is a verbatim (unedited, for you kids at the back) transcript of the emails and tweets:

—-

(Begin Tweets)

—-

Katy: @Voidjumper thanks for the comment, and for mentioning my blog in your blog. I’m sorry seagulls pooped on you twice. (not really, I lol’d).

Me: @katyuncensored Hahaha :) Pleasure, I really enjoy your humour :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I enjoy yours as well. I subscribed via RSS. Don’t disappoint! Or else. (I will probably do nothing. But still.)

Me: @katyuncensored Last time I checked my RSS button-thingy just led to a whole bunch of broken code. eMail subscription works though… :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I added your link to my mobile RSS reader and I’m stalking—I mean “reading” your entries as we tweet.

Me: @katyuncensored :) Thanks! I’m trying to fix the RSS on-page so it can be direct. I heard you gave up on your blog?

—-

IN RELATION TO THE RELEASE OF BRAND NEW DAY #2

(https://insertmyfeed.wordpress.com/2012/08/04/brand-new-day-2-thoroughly-more-interesting/)

—-

Katy: @Voidjumper But they’re so cute & I hear they die after they poop on you RT @Voidjumper : #MyFeed Brand New Day #2 out now on http://wp.me/2tQ3Y  :D

Me: @katyuncensored That’s only becoz I come equipped with lasereyes and all sorts of fancy gadgets. I dare them to try again.. Oh shit. Jinxed.

Katy: @Voidjumper no wait that’s bees. They’re the ones who die after they sting you. Gulls just high five 1 another with their cute little wings.

Me: @katyuncensored bees don’t die after they sting you. They just hide & get together to do secret bee things like wear helmets & play badminton

—-

GENERAL STATUS:

—-

Katy: While coming up with the ingenious lyrics, I over-cooked my grilled cheese:( pic.twitter.com/oeo1mPR8

Me: @katyuncensored but you sing it again and relive all that joy of having your own personal song… in the face of your burnt bread…

Katy: @Voidjumper such comforting words… <3 Thanks.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m thinking of becoming a councilor, I think I can really help people…

—-

GENERAL STATUS:

—-

Katy: It’s thundering terribly here. Somebody hold me.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m sure it’ll be alright. It’s only white hot electric death from the skies after all…

—-

GENERAL STATUS:

—-

Katy: I’m 5’8″ today thanks to these 5 1/2 inch heels.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m 6’1″ today thanks to these snazzy rainbow socks…

Katy: @Voidjumper Love me some snazzy rainbow socks… <3

—-

GENERAL STATUS:

—-

Katy: Across the wrist, down the spine, or down the right rib cage? (Not suicidal, just getting another tattoo soon.)

Me: @katyuncensored That’s gonna look great when you’re 90…

Katy: @Voidjumper I probably won’t make it till 90… Maybe 89.

Me: @katyuncensored But it’ll always be super sexy with wrinkles in it… Gives it good texture… Like fine art..

Katy: @Voidjumper I agree. By then one tattoo will be like five, what with the skin sagging all over the place.

Me: @katyuncensored See? That’ll turn any guy on… Go get it now!

Katy: @Voidjumper I was hoping it’d turn guys off, like a rapist-repellent.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m pretty sure pepper spray does that… And it’s not permanent…

Katy: @Voidjumper I used to have a rape whistle, but it was more entertaining than it was helpful.

Me: @katyuncensored Then you should try the pepper spray… The burning eyes is a blast!…

Katy: @Voidjumper you sound to be speaking from experience. Were you the rapist, or victim when the pepper spray was used?

Me: @katyuncensored I prefer the term “Pro Bono Sexual Educator”

Katy: @Voidjumper over here we call it “Surprise Sex”.

Me: @katyuncensored Ahah.. We have “Surprise Adoption”… It’s politically correct.. Otherwise kidnappers might feel offended or picked on..

Katy: @Voidjumper that was so wrong but SO FUNNY. Haha.

—-

REQUEST FOR GUEST-PIECES:

(Begin email)

—-

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Heylo Katy,

By The Way, I’m still trying to recover after you totally broke my heart by stopping your work on Little Miss Uncensored… So yeah… Picking up those pieces…

So I’ve also been kinda skiving off my blog (no idea where I picked up that trait…) and while I’m on holiday I had a great idea that may or may not have been influenced by alcohol.. But isn’t that how all the best ideas start?

So I messaged up some people and have two – three pending – people who are going to be doing some small guest pieces for insertmyfeed.

So I would really like it if you you could grace my blog with one of your works.
I know you’re not blogging now, but it would only be a small piece, hopefully ridiculously funny, about anything you desire…

You could send it to this email address and I’ll upload it to insertmyfeed. It would really mean the world to me…

Please let me know if you’re interested or not, or if you’ve got any feedback.

Thanks,
Merry Christmas, and have a wonderful New Year.

– @Voidjumper

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh,
I’m not going to lie. I’m a little disappointed the earlier email did not contain nudes of yourself.

With everything that is going on right now I don’t know if I’ll have time to blog but if I am able to I will most certainly send you something kick ass to feature on insertmyfeed.

I am a little drunk right now so if none of what I just wrote made sense I am sorry. Here is a picture of a smiley face. :)

Goodnight,
Katy

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Haha,

Yeah the nudes are still getting developed. I don’t know why but the photographer had a thing about old technology. Which is probably why she made me dress up in Victorian clothes and sing ‘Daisy Bell’Anyway, I know the holidays are busy, what with getting drunk and struggling to plan your hangovers to fall on off-days but anything at all would be appreciated because you are, by the way, probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever talked to. Also, I’m sure you would totally rock out on a banjo. And what’s Christmas without moonshine, banjos and gaters?

Wait… Christmas in that thing in the Everglades, right?

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Hey Katy,

I don’t mean to disturb you from cutting up people and secretly licking them before burying them in your backyard, which is, by all respectable standards, my favourite passtime.

I just wanted to know if you’d confirmed/slapped-my-proposal-in-the-face-with-a-sodden-spatula?

Thanks,
You can go back to burying bodies now.

P.S.
Don’t leave fingerprints. That never seems to lead to something good…

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh,

I’m sorry. I won’t be able to compile anything for you any time soon so you will have to count me out.

The nearly dead body says hi.

<stop>

To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Katy

Hey! Put that thing in the ground before you just let it flap about and talk.

Also, if you can get anything this month or next at least, it will be like ICECREAMDONKEYSAURUS–!@#ASDjK!!$@!$LA!!$ARLJQ!!R DSADKL41@#$!JW#!!QKLJRIJ

Yah. That awesome.

So if a rainy day happens to come along, or what some reason you find yourself trapped in a freezer with a turtle named Hensworth…

Thanks,

<stop>

To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

Josh

Speaking of turtles…

<stop>

To: Katy Unsensored

From: Josh van Asten

Well I’m sure Hensworth is quite the forward fellow, so you just watch out. Otherwise you’ll be rearing little versions of you except for bodies they’ll be turtles and they’ll have little claws and they’ll all run around screaming and then you’ll have to breast feed them and then, well, you get the picture…

<stop>

—-

Productive processes require certain… protocols. In no way, whatsoever, did we adhere to any sort of the social protocol and, in retrospect,  I assume that’s why we never arranged a Guest Piece and why this week’s blog is a bunch of emails about how we could have this week’s blog.

Huh. Turns out you should really listen to what they teach you in school…

—-

Moral of the story: Stay in school kids.

(The above is an example of responsibility. My councilor’s said good things about it.)

As always you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper and you can catch Katy @katyuncensored or her new handle @katy0523…

Utter Truth

I met a man this weekend.

He was a funny sort of man. The funny sort of man you give a funny look at. One of those funny looks you give to potatoes when they start stinking. In fact, he smell just like a potato himself.

The funny sort of man wore a funny sort of hat. It was a very strange hat indeed. In, fact it was so strange he was asked to take it off.

The funny sort of man gave me a funny sort of look. It was probably because I was staring at the funny sort of man while he ate his hat.

For those of you that have tried, eating hats is relatively… haaard.

For one, they’re particularly chewy, for another, they don’t taste very good.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of snacking on one of these delectable accessories, I suggest you try one. For one I know they are certified to carry large amounts of Vitamin SocAwk.

………………………………………………………………………………That’s a real thing.

The point of this is you meet some pretty weird people out there.

So be careful. There are strange and unpredictable people everywhere. One of them might even be at your side right now. Slowly fattening you up to one day sink their teeth into those tender, juicy jugular’s of yours, sucking out all the blood and letting it splash it’s delectable warm over their face as they dance to the standing stones singing the song of harvest to the full moon while practicing their satanistic sacrificial ritual completely naked.

So…

What did you do in your weekend?