Aaand… AFRICA.

Here’s a fun fact. I live in Africa. For those of you who don’t know you’re currently on the internet. This might come as a surprise to some. Well, not that you’re on the internet, but more so the fact I am.

Yes, as I said Africa.

Here’s another fun fact, Africa is a continent. Yes, a continent. as in, THERE ARE MANY COUNTRIES IN AFRICA. In fact there are 56. That’s 53 countries more than there are in North America. Also Africa is bigger than America. By a lot.

If you, for instance, lived in San Diego, California what are the chances you know a guy named Fred in New York?

About this many:








So why am I expected to know Obusangwe from Kenya if I live in South Africa? Which, co-incidently, is further from Kenya than San Diego is from New York.

Also, for people who only can make sense of these squiggles if they’re accompanied by paintingsquares, here’s some pictures of where I live:

Cape Town 1

Cape Town 3

Cape Town 4In case you weren’t paying close, scrutinising attention to my beautiful paintingsquares I tirelessly spent five seconds scouring the interwebs for, here are a couple of things that DON’T appear in these pictures:

1) Lions.

I am one hundred percent sure there is a total of exactly no lions of any form here. In fact, the only lion you’d probably see on a semi-regular basis is one of the supporters of the eponymically named rugby team.

For a quick stats update, South Africa currently has only 1700 lions. Most of those are found in zoos or game reserves and national parks.

Also, those pictures showed neither elephants, cheetahs, rhinos or ostriches.

2) Huts.

Sure, in many rural areas of South Africa huts are still built in a traditional fashion. Strangely, as you may have noticed, none are to be found here. 

3) Dustbowls.

Absolutely zero places in these pictures depict a starving dustbowl filled of malnutritioned children with bloated stomachs with flies swarming on their faces.

4) People eating sticks, dancing around fire or discovering the wheel.

America might think it’s the best thing since sliced bread and invented everything there ever was to be invented but in no way is Africa a backwater jungle where tribes people struggle to come to grips with the harsh reality that, sadly, we moved out of the Ice Age and descended into the land of sapience.


Here are a few things you might have noted ARE included in the pictures:

1) Lights.

That’s right! Africa does understand the sparky marvel of electricity! Somehow, obviously only under the grace of God, Edison’s invention of the lightbulb reached us. This might have been because European settlers colonised South Africa in 1652 only 87 years after Spanish settlers first set up camp at St. Augustine, USA in 1565. To put that in perspective, the Titanic sank a longer ago than the time difference between settlements in the US of A and the R of SA.


2) Skyscrapers.

Yes those are concrete people sausages. Yes we have them to. Yes, we do call this wonderful thing ‘civilisation.’


  • Cellphones, check!
  • Computers, check!
  • Internet, check!
  • Cinemas, check!
  • The entire 21st century, check!

4) Places to stick your sick bod.

We have hospitals. In fact some of them are the best in the world. First open heart surgery? Guess where that happened?

APS pain therapy. Guess where that was invented?

Alban Cormack. Invented the CAT Scan. Guess where he was born?


To wrap this up, putting everything in some nice context for you, here are some pictures of  our friend ‘Murika! Also, I might have snuck some other pictures in:

Uh… I don’t know how this got in here…


As usual, for African Education, polyhypotheticaldrivesyncracies and general nonsensery you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper or like the Facebook page The Official | insertmyfeed.

Personal Relations

New Posting Template; Personal Relations

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few years there was a hysterically funny blog going around at The blog is currently taking a holiday to relax, enjoy the sun, get hopelessly drunk, meet strange men, quietly dispose of illegitimate children and other family-approved holiday related activities. However the author, Katy, and I exchanged a series of entertaining tweets and emails as we discussed the possibility of collaborating and posting a guest piece on each other’s sites.

Here is a verbatim (unedited, for you kids at the back) transcript of the emails and tweets:


(Begin Tweets)


Katy: @Voidjumper thanks for the comment, and for mentioning my blog in your blog. I’m sorry seagulls pooped on you twice. (not really, I lol’d).

Me: @katyuncensored Hahaha :) Pleasure, I really enjoy your humour :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I enjoy yours as well. I subscribed via RSS. Don’t disappoint! Or else. (I will probably do nothing. But still.)

Me: @katyuncensored Last time I checked my RSS button-thingy just led to a whole bunch of broken code. eMail subscription works though… :)

Katy: @Voidjumper I added your link to my mobile RSS reader and I’m stalking—I mean “reading” your entries as we tweet.

Me: @katyuncensored :) Thanks! I’m trying to fix the RSS on-page so it can be direct. I heard you gave up on your blog?





Katy: @Voidjumper But they’re so cute & I hear they die after they poop on you RT @Voidjumper : #MyFeed Brand New Day #2 out now on  :D

Me: @katyuncensored That’s only becoz I come equipped with lasereyes and all sorts of fancy gadgets. I dare them to try again.. Oh shit. Jinxed.

Katy: @Voidjumper no wait that’s bees. They’re the ones who die after they sting you. Gulls just high five 1 another with their cute little wings.

Me: @katyuncensored bees don’t die after they sting you. They just hide & get together to do secret bee things like wear helmets & play badminton




Katy: While coming up with the ingenious lyrics, I over-cooked my grilled cheese:(

Me: @katyuncensored but you sing it again and relive all that joy of having your own personal song… in the face of your burnt bread…

Katy: @Voidjumper such comforting words… <3 Thanks.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m thinking of becoming a councilor, I think I can really help people…




Katy: It’s thundering terribly here. Somebody hold me.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m sure it’ll be alright. It’s only white hot electric death from the skies after all…




Katy: I’m 5’8″ today thanks to these 5 1/2 inch heels.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m 6’1″ today thanks to these snazzy rainbow socks…

Katy: @Voidjumper Love me some snazzy rainbow socks… <3




Katy: Across the wrist, down the spine, or down the right rib cage? (Not suicidal, just getting another tattoo soon.)

Me: @katyuncensored That’s gonna look great when you’re 90…

Katy: @Voidjumper I probably won’t make it till 90… Maybe 89.

Me: @katyuncensored But it’ll always be super sexy with wrinkles in it… Gives it good texture… Like fine art..

Katy: @Voidjumper I agree. By then one tattoo will be like five, what with the skin sagging all over the place.

Me: @katyuncensored See? That’ll turn any guy on… Go get it now!

Katy: @Voidjumper I was hoping it’d turn guys off, like a rapist-repellent.

Me: @katyuncensored I’m pretty sure pepper spray does that… And it’s not permanent…

Katy: @Voidjumper I used to have a rape whistle, but it was more entertaining than it was helpful.

Me: @katyuncensored Then you should try the pepper spray… The burning eyes is a blast!…

Katy: @Voidjumper you sound to be speaking from experience. Were you the rapist, or victim when the pepper spray was used?

Me: @katyuncensored I prefer the term “Pro Bono Sexual Educator”

Katy: @Voidjumper over here we call it “Surprise Sex”.

Me: @katyuncensored Ahah.. We have “Surprise Adoption”… It’s politically correct.. Otherwise kidnappers might feel offended or picked on..

Katy: @Voidjumper that was so wrong but SO FUNNY. Haha.



(Begin email)


To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Heylo Katy,

By The Way, I’m still trying to recover after you totally broke my heart by stopping your work on Little Miss Uncensored… So yeah… Picking up those pieces…

So I’ve also been kinda skiving off my blog (no idea where I picked up that trait…) and while I’m on holiday I had a great idea that may or may not have been influenced by alcohol.. But isn’t that how all the best ideas start?

So I messaged up some people and have two – three pending – people who are going to be doing some small guest pieces for insertmyfeed.

So I would really like it if you you could grace my blog with one of your works.
I know you’re not blogging now, but it would only be a small piece, hopefully ridiculously funny, about anything you desire…

You could send it to this email address and I’ll upload it to insertmyfeed. It would really mean the world to me…

Please let me know if you’re interested or not, or if you’ve got any feedback.

Merry Christmas, and have a wonderful New Year.

– @Voidjumper


To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored

I’m not going to lie. I’m a little disappointed the earlier email did not contain nudes of yourself.

With everything that is going on right now I don’t know if I’ll have time to blog but if I am able to I will most certainly send you something kick ass to feature on insertmyfeed.

I am a little drunk right now so if none of what I just wrote made sense I am sorry. Here is a picture of a smiley face. :)



To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten


Yeah the nudes are still getting developed. I don’t know why but the photographer had a thing about old technology. Which is probably why she made me dress up in Victorian clothes and sing ‘Daisy Bell’Anyway, I know the holidays are busy, what with getting drunk and struggling to plan your hangovers to fall on off-days but anything at all would be appreciated because you are, by the way, probably one of the funniest people I’ve ever talked to. Also, I’m sure you would totally rock out on a banjo. And what’s Christmas without moonshine, banjos and gaters?

Wait… Christmas in that thing in the Everglades, right?


To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten

Hey Katy,

I don’t mean to disturb you from cutting up people and secretly licking them before burying them in your backyard, which is, by all respectable standards, my favourite passtime.

I just wanted to know if you’d confirmed/slapped-my-proposal-in-the-face-with-a-sodden-spatula?

You can go back to burying bodies now.

Don’t leave fingerprints. That never seems to lead to something good…


To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored


I’m sorry. I won’t be able to compile anything for you any time soon so you will have to count me out.

The nearly dead body says hi.


To: Katy Uncensored

From: Josh van Asten


Hey! Put that thing in the ground before you just let it flap about and talk.

Also, if you can get anything this month or next at least, it will be like ICECREAMDONKEYSAURUS–!@#ASDjK!!$@!$LA!!$ARLJQ!!R DSADKL41@#$!JW#!!QKLJRIJ

Yah. That awesome.

So if a rainy day happens to come along, or what some reason you find yourself trapped in a freezer with a turtle named Hensworth…



To: Josh van Asten

From: Katy Uncensored


Speaking of turtles…



To: Katy Unsensored

From: Josh van Asten

Well I’m sure Hensworth is quite the forward fellow, so you just watch out. Otherwise you’ll be rearing little versions of you except for bodies they’ll be turtles and they’ll have little claws and they’ll all run around screaming and then you’ll have to breast feed them and then, well, you get the picture…



Productive processes require certain… protocols. In no way, whatsoever, did we adhere to any sort of the social protocol and, in retrospect,  I assume that’s why we never arranged a Guest Piece and why this week’s blog is a bunch of emails about how we could have this week’s blog.

Huh. Turns out you should really listen to what they teach you in school…


Moral of the story: Stay in school kids.

(The above is an example of responsibility. My councilor’s said good things about it.)

As always you can follow me on Twitter @Voidjumper and you can catch Katy @katyuncensored or her new handle @katy0523…

Utter Truth

Utter Truth

I met a man this weekend.

He was a funny sort of man. The funny sort of man you give a funny look at. One of those funny looks you give to potatoes when they start stinking. In fact, he smell just like a potato himself.

The funny sort of man wore a funny sort of hat. It was a very strange hat indeed. In, fact it was so strange he was asked to take it off.

The funny sort of man gave me a funny sort of look. It was probably because I was staring at the funny sort of man while he ate his hat.

For those of you that have tried, eating hats is relatively… haaard.

For one, they’re particularly chewy, for another, they don’t taste very good.

If you haven’t had the pleasure of snacking on one of these delectable accessories, I suggest you try one. For one I know they are certified to carry large amounts of Vitamin SocAwk.

………………………………………………………………………………That’s a real thing.

The point of this is you meet some pretty weird people out there.

So be careful. There are strange and unpredictable people everywhere. One of them might even be at your side right now. Slowly fattening you up to one day sink their teeth into those tender, juicy jugular’s of yours, sucking out all the blood and letting it splash it’s delectable warm over their face as they dance to the standing stones singing the song of harvest to the full moon while practicing their satanistic sacrificial ritual completely naked.


What did you do in your weekend?

9 Great Games You Can Play With Ice Cream

Nine Great Games You Can Play With Ice Cream:

1) Ice Cream Tossing!

– A lot like juggling except this time you’ve got Ice Cream and if you drop it you don’t receive embarrassment but instead the cries of a million broken dreams from a host of bawling children…

It’s fun, trust me.

2) Ice Cream Baseball!

– A great game made for fun times and memorable occasions. Perfect for a hot summer’s day when you round of family bonding and ice-cool refreshment is just what Jones the unreliable family doctor ordered!

3) Ice Cream Tag!

– It’s like your two most favourite childhood dreams come together in a glorious symphony of adrenaline, laughter and sugary goodness! Plus it totally leeds onto my personal favourite game, Lick Your Neighbour!

4) Ice Cream Luck!

– Probably the most daring of all these games, Ice Cream Luck involves setting nearby items or unfortunately placed pieces of furniture on fire and then frantically bombarding them with love buckets of frozen cream, sugar and happiness to prevent your family from burning to death! Good times assured…

5) Ice Cream Drop!

Buckets of love!

– Dropping sparkling Ice Cream Rain down onto the passing public from tall buildings! It’s like granting a miracle. They’ll thank you for it later :)

6) Clay Cream!

– What’s better for the gentleman than a good spot of Clay Pigeon shooting? So why not make good better with the addition of semi-frozen pleasure in a cone? Go ahead, try it.

7) Ice Cream Party!

There ain’t no party like an Ice Cream party…

8) Ice Cream Fencing!

– A wonderful example of sports being re-invented… This exciting twist to a classic sport makes it not only fun and accessible to youngsters it also sets up their skills and reflexes for a life of professional fencing in the wonderful years to come!

The wonderful system also allows the use of hidden blades, stored in the sub-zero wonder cream for use in the sneaky later stages of a fight for good old fashioned kiddie murder! Yes that’s right Jimmy, keep on stabbing until you can’t feel his dark heart beating anymore. His was his fault your father cheated on your mother with his secretary and forced their marriage apart and left you to the councillors and social workers to drift the streams of foster care and hopelessness for eight years while your parents recovered from mental breakdowns and periodic lapses into self-hatred-induced bilge drinking. Yes Jimmy, thrust, thrust Jimmy! Mua-hahaha!

On second thought, that’s probably not the greatest game for children…

9) Ice Cream Shot!

– An ingenious combination of high-grade explosives, idiotic self-endangerment and frozen sugary treats forms a wonderful pastime for all ages!

Easily constructed out of discontinued military hardware and illegal black-market weaponry this game will have you rolling on the floor laughing so hard you’ll start bleeding. Just like all your friends! :D

10) Barbwire Jump!

– Jump on barbed wire.

In fact there’s a lot less about this game to do with Ice Cream than there appeared to be… I’m not even sure there was ten games to start with? Was there? No, how did this get here then? Oh well there’s always a good time at the Sellafield Playgroup I guess…

Honey, I’m home…

A pale grey mist slides slowly over the decrepit road. It’s been a long time, and the scent of ancient undisturbed memories hangs heavy in the air. You walk quietly down the road, your feet giving little sighs as you move across the remainder of damp leaves that carpet a floor of broken promises. There’s a forgotten feel to this place. As if it once spoke of grandeur and greater things, of luxury and wealth. A place of laughter and good will. But that was a long time ago… Now this place is just a shell of what it used to be, abandoned and left rejected by an unloving creator…

Until NOW!

Lots and lots of happy faces!!! @#$! :) :) :)) :) :))))) :) :)

Hello you beautiful people!

Now, before you start shouting, I deeply apologise for my grievous sins…

I know you’re frail and fragile and need my warm and nurturing love, and I know I just left you to the wolves and beasties and went out in search of Herobrine myself…

…But I’m here now lovies! And I promise I won’t ever leave you alone again, coz I know how some of you have attachment/abandonment issues…

But that’s okay because Joshie loves you.

Yes, and you and you and you.

Joshie is a whoreo and loves every single one of you!

Naughty Joshie!


*Hugs from Joshie*

Isn’t Joshie awesome?

Aww… Thanks :3… Well I’m glad you think so because I am, and I respect your decision .. Now go get off your lazy asses and go tell your friends about how awesome insertmyfeed is…!

And if you don’t think it’s awesome, please kindly keep your ill-informed opinions to yourself…

On another 8-bit note, I’d like to make an announcement…

I’m planning on writing longer, more meaningful posts now. Yes that’s right, filled with all the laughs, truths, facts, events, catastrophes and brobdingnagian exaggerations you can handle while juggling a pair of chainsmoking elephants!

Woo! for fact!

Woo! for truthful meanderings!

Woo! for hyperbole!

Woo! for Josh!

So in-between these mind-boggling pieces of digital gold will be smaller more ridiculous supplements like Brand New Day and other such gems.


Also to smooth over your seeping wounds left from my traumatic disappearance I’ll be giving away free sh*t!

Yes, that’s right, all you wonderful subscribers/followers will be getting not only 1 whole 100% free, brand new, all-exclusive, one-time premiere, amazing new post but also 1 whole 100% free, brand new, all-exclusive, one-time premiere, amazing new sudoku puzzle


The Posting… Beware, I warn you: He is OUT there.
The Sudoku:

_ o_o _

Oh, by the way, it’s totally filled out already… Oops.  :o

21 Reasons I Hate Seagulls

  1. They’re seagulls
  2. They’re seagulls
  3. They’re seagulls
  4. They’re seagulls
  5. They’re seagulls
  6. They’re seagulls
  7. They’re seagulls
  8. They’re seagulls
  9. They’re seagulls
  10. They’re seagulls
  11. They’re seagulls
  12. They’re seagulls
  13. They’re seagulls
  14. They’re seagulls
  15. They’re seagulls
  16. They’re seagulls
  17. They’re seagulls
  18. They’re seagulls
  19. They’re seagulls
  20. They’re seagulls
  21. They’re seagulls

Flying Bastard Rat Artwork by Chocogingerfingers

Brand New Day #2: Thoroughly More Interesting

It’s another brand new day in Cape Town and things are going dandy. Until the dinosaurs come back riding bicycles and hobos patrol the streets. And that’s all before lunch.

Brand New Day #2:

  • Was dreaming
  • Woke up screaming when I discovered that I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur
  • Rationalised that being dinosaur wasn’t too practical
  • Ate breakfast
  • Went downstairs for a morning cycle
  • Was glad I hadn’t been turned into a dinosaur on a bicycle
  • Rode down the street
  • Was laughed at by an old man
  • Laughed back at him telling him I wasn’t a dinosaur
  • Made it back to my house without getting lost
  • Went upstairs
  • Put on some pants
  • Went back downstairs
  • Checked for seagulls
  • Safely confirmed the absence of seagulls
  • Went to the shops
  • Watched a fat lady talk to herself
  • Guessed she was probably insane
  • Found out she wasn’t insane
  • I just couldn’t see her phone
  • Went inside the shop
  • Bought some stuff
  • Got hungry
  • Ate a flapjack
  • It was a good flapjack
  • It tasted fruity
  • It might have had strawberries on it
  • It was probably a strawberry flapjack
  • Went outside again
  • Stumbled over a Chinese hobo
  • Was shocked and disbelieved
  • Took a picture of him to send to my friends
  • Discovered the hobo was watching me
  • Scrambled to make an excuse and told him I was a reporter for Homeless Anonymous
  • He just smiled and told me to “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered I’d just met a friendly Chinese Hobo
  • Took a picture of the two of us together and went home
  • Translated “qù nǐde”
  • Discovered it meant “Fuck Off”
  • Severely regretted giving him my milkshake and telling him the story about the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Recounted the time I bought my grandmother a sheep by accident
  • Laughed out loud
  • It was a funny story
  • Discovered my shoelace was untied
  • Went downstairs to my shoelace stool to tie my shoelaces
  • Forgot to mention I own a shoelace stool
  • It’s a very nice little stool
  • It’s got a seat and everything
  • In fact, it’s probably the best shoelace stool in the whole world
  • In fact it’s on a whole other scale
  • This is how good it is:
  • Think of a number between 1 and 17
  • Multiply that number by 3
  • Add 15
  • Times by 20
  • Subtract 2
  • Add 5
  • Multiply by 2
  • Forget all those numbers
  • Now think of an amazing shoelace stool
  • That’s how amazing it was
  • Went and made lunch
  • Had a peanut butter and jam sandwich
  • Switched on the microwave
  • Stopped it a 00:01
  • Reckoned I’d make a good bomb defuser
  • Got a knock at the door
  • Went downstairs
  • Discovered a real reporter from the Homeless Anonymous
  • Discovered I was in trouble for impersonation
  • Realised I had forgotten to check for seagulls
  • Got shat on by a seagull

Brand New Day #1: Less Interesting


Some days are just so horrible you wished you had stayed at home sick with TB. Others are so brilliant you wished you hadn’t given yourself TB so you could go do something without collapsing from a coughing fit. Unfortunately these days never seem to give any early-warning of their appearances and seem to find it highly enjoyable to spring up on you like the news of your last illegitimate child.

To keep track of these days I’ve started a wonderful new section called: ‘Brand New Day’

Beginning here, with how some wanker beat my Angry Birds score:

Brand New Day #1:

  • Woke up on floor
  • Discovered mouth was dry
  • Discovered I was missing a sock
  • Took five minutes to remember how I got here
  • Discovered cat was sitting on my face
  • Went into shower
  • No hot water
  • Got out shower
  • Kicked the skirting board with bare feet
  • Went for breakfast
  • Discovered just enough Cornflakes for one last bowl
  • Decided that I should chart a scale for my day
  • Made a scale:
  1. Life-Taking
  2. Hopeless
  3. Fair
  4. Okay
  5. Good
  6. Great
  7. OMG, OMG, OMG
  • Changed day from ‘Hopeless’ to ‘Fair’
  • Went to fridge
  • No milk
  • Changed day to ‘0. If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’
  • Went to school
  • Discovered someone had beaten my Angry Birds: Space score
  • Called them a wanker
  • Sat in the principal’s office for forty-five minutes
  • Got out just in time for Maths
  • Spent fifty minutes seeing if I could move the hands of the clock with my mind
  • Discovered I was not as telekinetic as I was led to believe
  • Went to break
  • Had a cheese-sandwich
  • Didn’t get pooped on by a seagull
  • Bumped up day from ‘If The Internet Mysteriously Disappeared’ to ‘Hopeless’
  • Spotted rainclouds
  • Had to change campuses
  • Was rained on
  • On the way back lost my iPod Nano
  • Moved day to ‘-1. Losing your iPod Nano’
  • Spent English Death-Staring everyone who walked passed blaming them for the loss of my iPod
  • Somehow found my iPod had got lodged in my blazer sleeve
  • Temporarily changed day to ‘OMG, OMG, OMG’ before settling on ‘Good’
  • Went to second break
  • Had another cheese-sandwich
  • Got pooped on by a seagull
  • Moved day back to ‘Hopeless’
  • Sat through the rest of school
  • Discovered I could have more fun pulling out hairs from my arm with my teeth
  • Spat out a lot of hairs
  • Went home
  • Discovered my arm really hurts
  • Made a ‘House of Cards’ with my school books
  • Discovered Brother is great at kicking down Houses of Cards
  • Decided to make supper
  • Opened the fridge
  • Discovered we have run out of bacon
  • Discovered we have run out of yoghurt
  • Went outside to be pooped on by seagulls

Conversations With Brother

Little brothers are like punching bags, you keep on hitting them but they just don’t go away. But in all fairness I love my brother. Although he can be really annoying sometimes. Like the one time Brother barged into my room while I was doing something really important like reading This is more-or-less how that conversation went:

Brother: Hey.

Me: Huguhghg

Brother: Whatcha doing..

Me: …Internet.

Brother: What on the internet?

Me: Internet stuff.

Brother: Oh, that’s cool. Do you know what I’m doing?

Me: Are you going to tell me?

Brother: Probably.

Me: Probably? It’s either a yes or a no.

Brother: I’m still deciding on it. There’s a lot of variables to weigh up.

Me: Okay. You don’t have to tell me then.

Brother: Okay I’ll tell you anyways… So I was looking on the TV and I saw this guy with a dog. It wasn’t a very special dog. It’s was more one of those grey and black dogs that just bark at things. Do you know those dogs? I don’t like that type of dog. In fact I didn’t like that dog at all. Apparently the dog didn’t like his owner either. Because one night it decided to start biting it’s owner. Which is kinda stupid because I was like, “Why’s he biting his owner?” And then the TV was like, “The owner smelt of bacon.” And I was like, “Yeah I can relate to that; bacon tastes nice.” And then the dog  bit him…

Me: Oh that’s cool.

Brother: But then later something even better happened… You won’t believe it. Would you? If I told you, would you believe it?

Me: Is there a point to this?

Brother: Of course.

Me: Can you get to it?

Brother: Yes, this woman had all these pages she need to staple so she could check the man out of hospital. But on the way he hit the water-fountain and —

Me: Brother!

Brother: What?

Me: Stop that.

Brother: Stop what?

Me: That.

Brother: What, talking?

Me: Yes, talking.

Brother: Why?

Me: Because I said so.

Brother: But humans talk, it’s what we do.

Me: Yes I know. Just stop it.

Brother: But I’m a human.

Me: Yes I know you’re a human!

Brother: So why must I stop?

Me: Because it’s annoying me!

Brother: Humans annoy people as well.

Me: I know! You’re doing it right now!

Brother: Well then I’m a perfect example.

Me: Can you just please stop now?

Brother: Actually I think I’m a brilliant example. I have so much charisma.

Me: Who said you had charisma?

Brother: People.

Me: Which people?

Brother: People with an eye for quality.

Me: So you think you’re quality?

Brother: No I’m perfect. Were you listening to me at all?

Me: No, actually —

Brother: I’m thinking about modelling.

Me: What?! But you hate modelling.

Brother: Correction: I used to hate modelling.

Me: When did you start to like it?

Brother: When I realised I would be a perfect model.

Me: That was like thirty seconds ago.

Brother: Humans change their minds. Another thing I’m perfect at.

Me: Can you please just get out my bedroom?

Brother: I really am the perfect human.

Me: You’ll be the perfect corpse if you don’t get out.

Brother: Oooh… Violence. I had forgotten about that human element. I’ll add that into my campaign.

Me: You’re going on a campaign?!

Brother: Well there’s no point in getting something half done. I might as well pull out all the stops.

Me: Can’t you pull out all the stops by yourself?

Brother: Individuality, another good point. You really are a true brother. I think I’ll do the whole campaign as a solo break-away thing. The tortured human spirit and all that. Individuality is paramount.

Me: Now that I’ve given you some ideas can you please just LEAVE?!

Brother: Why must I leave?


Brother: But I came here for a purpose.

Me: I know. You’re perfect. Now GET. OUT.

Brother: But I need you…

Me: I thought you were all about individuality…

Brother: Yes, but I just need your stapler…